legwork

Today I had a bit of a melt at the end of the workday.  I never cry at work.  Which is not to say I never have, but it's a really rare thing.  I think I cried once in the first nine years, and I wasn't crying about work.  I was crying because I was scared my husband was ill, like seriously ill, and for some reason it really hit me when I was at work.

The only other time I remember crying at work was during the Crazy Sue years (the latter 9), when I was about to be force transferred because that crazy woman had decimated my theatre program so it got too small for two teachers.  That didn't end up happening, but it was a hard time.

The thing is that I don't cry at work.  Not normally.  And when I do, it's big stuff, and it's not in front of anyone.  It's just me.

Today I was about to leave when the secretary asked me if I was okay, and it turns out I wasn't.  I ended up sniffling all over myself with the secretary, and then K came over and joined the party.  I hadn't wanted to talk to K about what has been going on because of professional boundaries... but by this point I guess I just didn't care anymore about being professional.  I just kind of let it out.  I don't know if that was a good idea.  But it turns out I am out of ideas.  Seriously out of ideas.  I'm so tired.

Some of this is my own damn fault, my tendency to take on work that isn't mine.  And some of it is just bad luck, that for whatever reason, all the new registrants with severe mental health issues seem to be on my caseload.  And some of it (much of it) is that my counselling colleagues are weak, and don't help when there is need for help (except for N).  And most of it is that we have a new VP who is untrained and not doing his job, which blocks me from doing my job.  And the pressure has been mounting.  I'm just tired.

I had booked tomorrow off anyway because I am owed a few lieu days from working in the summer.  If I hadn't, I would probably have needed to.  I need a day to be away from this mess and go deal with the other mess - the fact that my sister's ashes are hanging out at a police station in a nearby city.  This was something I'd talked myself into doing alone, but T came back and reinvited herself.  So there's that, the fact that I have a dear friend who recognizes that I am the kind of person who sometimes needs to be asked twice.


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