D

D.

I made a mistake, I think, in not spending more time with him to prepare him for this week.  The interview with the immigration lawyer shook him more than I thought it would.  But of course I had no idea what kinds of things the lawyer would want to talk about.  D told the lawyer about his sister, that his mother sold her when she was five, for ten thousand dollars.  He shared that with me quite awhile ago, but I did not think it would come up at this meeting.  Does it bring back the nightmares?

D.

He skipped his interview for the trade program this morning.  We had arranged for me to drive him.  Instead he skipped class and hid from me.  Again, I think I made a mistake in not preparing him better for this interview.  But I had not anticipated his mother would phone him.  I had not expected her to sabotage his confidence.  She told him not to go into the program.  Instead she would come to get him and they could move together to a new home.

D.

He knows in his heart, in the dark ink-stained part of his damaged heart that his mother is not coming back.  She abandoned him.  She will not be back.  She says she loves him, she says things will be better.  He loves her, he wants his mama.  But she cannot cross the border.  She has a criminal record.  She simply cannot be who he wants her to be.  She is too broken and damaged herself to be anything to him but a drain.  And last night she drained away his confidence before his interview to make sure he wouldn't take another step away from her.

D.

He told me he didn't want to talk to me.  I did not let him go.  I usually let him go when he wants to go.  I told him that I thought he probably felt like he was having to choose between himself and his mother.  He started to cry when I said that.  That's how you know you hit the bullseye, when they cry.  We talked about how he could choose himself without cutting out his mother.  We talked about how he could take care of himself without hurting her.  It's all so painful.  These things are true, but they hurt him because he knows that every step he takes toward independence inevitably takes him further away from her.

D.

It mirrors what happened with J and her mom, my sister.  It's so hard to watch.

D.

Steve managed to convince them to give D another interview time tomorrow.  I am not going to waste a minute finding him tomorrow to make sure I get in his head first, with all the positivity I can muster about his potential and his future and his endless possibilities.  If his mother were to die it would probably help him in the long run.  My sister was considerate enough to do that for J.


EMDR

I have registered to take an EMDR course next school year.  This is specialized training for treatment of post traumatic stress.  It costs 2K for me to take this training - and my district, of course, does not pay for it.  It is coming from my pocket.  Because I want kids like D not to suffer so much, so long.  I need a better tool.