don't bark

This afternoon I went for a massage.  Massage therapy is something that has intrigued and repelled me for years.  I have only ever been for a massage one other time.

What intrigues me (obviously) is:
* health benefits
* endorphin snacks
* using health benefits I pay for

What repels me is:
* being touched by a stranger
* paying for being touched by a stranger
* and something more difficult to define that has to do with socioeconomic classes, the same way I cannot pay someone to clean my house or give me a pedicure because it feels too close to paying someone to pull me in a rickshaw while their feet are bleeding, and I know this is sort of irrational, but I can't totally get over it, and believe me when I say I have tried.

Still.  I managed to let go of what was repelling me long enough to do some research, find a registered massage therapist, make an appointment, and attend it.  It was not blissful like the other time I went for a massage.  (I think the first time was a "relaxation" massage, while this one was meant to be therapeutic.)  There was some pain, not really the good kind.  Although it felt good afterward, the way pain does, when the endorphins rush in to fill up the spot that was hurting.

I am trying to push through my semi-phobia about massage therapy and just do it, because I feel like it could be beneficial.  My stupid back and neck get sore from working at my stupid computer, and I do believe there is good reason to think a proper massage once in awhile could help.

I have set some goals for myself this school year, goals around attending better to my own selfish self, because I began to recognize what burnout would feel like if one more person asked me for one more thing on the last day of school... when I felt some kinship with people who go on killing sprees.  And attending better means things like going home at the end of a work day instead of trying to do the whole next day's work at the end of the day to save myself stress the following day (it never works like that).  And it means not doing work at home in the evenings and on weekends all the time.  Not letting my career completely devour my life (and me) and spitting out bone dust.  And it probably means that using my health benefits to have a massage every few weeks would be a good thing too to prevent my spine from turning into a circle.  So I'm trying to make some shifts in my thinking and my behaviour, and choosing a change I can make.  Paying a stranger to inflict pain on me is a strange place to start, but probably one of the easiest.  I can only imagine what the cascade effect will be.

*