This morning I was watching him get ready for work the way I used to do, rushing around, forgetting things, tripping over my shoes, watching the clock. And I suddenly said Do you ever resent me?
With one arm through his shirt sleeve he stopped and looked at me. Resent you? Why would I?
Because I'm not working full time. Because you're paying the mortgage and buying the groceries and paying all the bills ... and all I'm doing is laundry, and half-heartedly at that. Sometimes I even let the puppies chew on your underwear.
His sincere surprise made me realise that resentment isn't anything like what he feels. He told me he's happy about taking care of me. He's proud to be managing things on his own.
It makes me see, yet again, how much nicer a person my husband is than I am. When he was in school and I was carrying all the financial responsibility on my own, I sometimes felt resentment. I got tired and frustrated. I wonder why he's so much kinder than I am. And how I could have attracted such a wonderful man. It makes me wish I could reverse time and never roll my eyes at him when I was getting ready for work in the morning while he was at home.
I still want to go back to work, but knowing that my wish is based on my own personal and professional fulfillment changes what working means. Knowing he doesn't feel resentment makes finding work something that can be approached lightly. Finding small things to do until then can be rewarding instead of just killing time.
It was in that frame of mind that I applied for a couple of jobs today, and felt more confident than I have in a long time that where it comes to employment, things will eventually work themselves out.
***
The Dalai Lama is in Canada, having been made an honourary citizen (as was Nelson Mandela in 2001 ), and is scheduled to speak at the Orpheum this weekend. Having determined that we won't be going back to our home-city for Saturday as was originally discussed, I am trying to convince Shawn that we should book tickets to hear him talk and go to Vancouver for the weekend.
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My goodness, I know just how you feel about work and resentment. I struggled with the same sensability you had when you were working, and a nagging guilt upon ceasing work, even though it was due to illness. I must admit with some shame , however, that I am scared to ask my husband the question you so straightforwardly asked... Sorry it's been a while since we've chatted. Much budding news here to share, as well. I will email shortly. *enormous hugs*
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