buying in bulk

On the evening of the 1st I made a decision not to go out with A; I did not tell him why.  I did not even know exactly why but I know why now.  I have decided to end this thing.  A has been circling too close and I will not allow it.  It poses too much of a risk to my marriage and now that I am seeing that clearly, I cannot be sure why I didn't see it that way before.  He is away right now, and I am gearing up to tell him before he comes back.  He is going to be hurt, and that is my fault.  But I need to protect what really matters.  I cannot lose sight of that.

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Tomorrow I go back to work, and it is difficult to express how much I do not want that to happen.  Waiting for P's diagnosis makes me reflect on mortality unpleasantly, his and my own, and everyone else's too.  It all makes me want to quit working and focus on living as hard as I can.  I don't have a way to fund that, presently.  This is all just my brain ticking away.  It might explode.

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