none of this

Cannabis has been legalized, and I have tried twice, totally unsuccessfully, to get high with my husband in the last week.  Why I have been unsuccessful I do not really know.  I have never been much of a weed smoker, since a really scary experience in high school.  It just isn't my drug of choice.  (When learning about addictions counselling we talked a lot about the concept of drug of choice, and why different people gravitate toward different drugs.  The most popular DOC is opioids, the least popular is alcohol.  Those, like me, who prefer alcohol tend to cite social reasons for their choice; this makes perfect sense to me.)  Anyway, I spent most of Saturday in a cheap white lady kind of buzzy haze brought on by pink champagne served at a one-year old's birthday party, and when I thought about that the next morning it kind of made me hate myself a little bit.  So I decided to lay off the drink for at least a week and see if I'm actually a drunk (i.e. will I go into withdrawal?) or just an overanalyzing idiot.

So it's Tuesday now and so far I seem to be fine (no delirium tremens).  Fine, except for the fact that I tried to get high on both Sunday and Monday night, but both times without luck.  I don't know how to use cannabis properly, not the kind we have in our house, which is THC/CBD oil.  My husband just puts a drop or two in his mouth and seems perfectly happy, but this idea scares me because I don't know much is too much or too little - because I haven't smoked pot since I was about eighteen and I think that was laced with something else because it was a horrible experience.

So Shawn decided to make some candies with oil in them, diluting the product, but perhaps too much?  I have been tentatively nibbling at his homemade candies, and can't seem to feel a thing.  He, on the other hand, is enjoying himself.  Tonight I didn't even bother trying.  Too bad weed, you just don't seem to be my thing.

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My EMDR course is continuing this weekend - Friday through Sunday.  It's an intensive course.  I hope one day I can use what I have learned to help people.  Right now I might just be giving people headaches.

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I decided I would see an EMDR therapist myself.  It is absurd that I am a professional counsellor who has never been to counselling.  (I say that to myself, and then I remember that I went to family counselling once with my whole family after one of my sister's many suicide attempts as a teenager.  I was resentful.  I cannot remember why there was only one session.)  Anyway, I made an appointment to see an EMDR therapist.  My first appointment is on Thursday night - the day before I go back to my course.  My goal is to experience what I am trying to learn from the client's perspective because I feel so inauthentic trying to do this magic on other people when I do not fully understand what they are experiencing.  If I can also figure out a way to sort out some of my own shit in the process, that would be even better.  I would like to go into it with my mind open to the possibility of being happier (at work) because I am so frustrated (at work) lately that I want to tell K to go fuck her crutch and then I want to tell N to go fuck K.

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The book I am reading is called My Year of Rest and Relaxation.  I think the reader is meant to be saddened at the image of the young heroine drugging herself to the gills with Ativan so she can sleep all the time, but the part of the image that actually bothers me is the fact that Ativan is an opioid, and not really my thing.  If she were to spend a year in a wine-induced fog I would be all in favour.  (I don't know why I am saying this - I'm not tired.  I'm just fucking sick and tired.  I'm also not really a drunk.  I just aspire to be.)

None of this is true.

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