sicker than the rest

I skipped the party I was supposed to co-host too.  Maybe that was the special cachet that N was looking for when she asked to put my name on the invitations.  Absence.  (It makes the heart grow fonder, some say.)  I really had intended to go to that one.  In fact, I had a gigantic platter of vegetables in my car and a bunch of wine glasses wrapped in paper towels to prevent them from smashing.  But when the time came to go,  I just transferred these items from my car to BB's car and asked her to deliver them along with my regrets.  These enormous gatherings of people I don't really know or care about are just so impossible to contend with even when I have the best intentions.

There is only one event left now (apart from Christmas dinner with Shawn's family) and that one is this afternoon.  I will attend.  Partly, I will attend because I am the one responsible for providing lunch and there is no one to deliver it on my behalf.  But also, I will attend because it is only four people, and I am much better with  small groups.

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One of the counsellors is leaving next year, next school year I mean, and I will be entitled to post into the job if I want it.  It has taken a very long time to reach this place, and I would have been excited about it a couple of years ago.  Now it requires more deliberation to decide if I should do this.  It would mean working more closely with an admin team I am not especially fond of.  It would mean significantly more responsibility for no more pay.  It would mean having to talk to more people in the building.  But it would also mean doing something that feels, potentially, more meaningful.  Closer to where my heart lies now.  It feels inevitable, although it is my decision.  Decisions like this make themselves.


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